Note: Our membership in the AFA (American Federation of Astrologers) is pending. We're working on getting NCGR (National Council for Geocosmic Research) certification, level IV if we can swing it. And our ISAR (International Society for Astrological Research) membership is all but in the bag. Keep your fingers crossed.

For the week of Monday, February 6, 2012:

Aries (March 21—April 19) This week, you find out -- the hard way -- that the new "Windows XP Style" cannot be applied to your pastrami sandwich. Taurus (April. 20—May 20) All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. Oops, too late. Gemini (May 21—June 21) Whatever you do, resist the temptation to click the Cancel button in any dialog you see for at least the next seven days. Cancer (June 22—July 22) You'll soon find that your efforts to reduce spam will fail miserably when your mother, while rummaging through your email, unwittingly follows the "Click here to be removed from our mailing list" link. Leo (July 23—Aug. 22) You throw around the term "Blue Screen of Death" entirely too loosely. Virgo (Aug. 23—Sept. 22) Although you're the only one who thinks so, you are steadfast in your opinion that controlling your mouse with your butt is "the only way to go."

Libra (Sept. 23—Oct. 23) Warning: Any attempts to reinstall Windows this week will result in an immense headache. Better to wait until all nine planets are in perfect alignment. Scorpio (Oct. 24—Nov. 21) You know too much of your money is going to Microsoft when you find yourself brushing your teeth with Internet Explorer Toothpaste. Sagittarius (Nov. 22—Dec. 21) Today is a good day to empty your Recycle Bin. Delete files with abandon. Capricorn (Dec. 22—Jan. 19) You may feel disillusioned over the next few days as you continue to attempt to rationalize Napster, but keep trying. I'm sure you're think of something. Aquarius (Jan. 20—Feb. 18) You will face challenges this week. Pisces (Feb. 19—March 20) The stars warn against editing your Registry unless you do so while wearing a thong.