Note: Our membership in the AFA (American Federation of Astrologers) is pending. We're working on getting NCGR (National Council for Geocosmic Research) certification, level IV if we can swing it. And our ISAR (International Society for Astrological Research) membership is all but in the bag. Keep your fingers crossed.

For the week of Monday, August 30, 2010:

Aries (March 21—April 19) This week, you find out -- the hard way -- that the new "Windows XP Style" cannot be applied to your pastrami sandwich. Taurus (April. 20—May 20) Although you're the only one who thinks so, you are steadfast in your opinion that controlling your mouse with your butt is "the only way to go." Gemini (May 21—June 21) An errant squirt from a ripe grapefruit will short out your CD writer while its drawer is open. You'd be wise to wear rubber-soled shoes. Cancer (June 22—July 22) You will face challenges this week. Leo (July 23—Aug. 22) Whatever you do, resist the temptation to click the Cancel button in any dialog you see for at least the next seven days. Virgo (Aug. 23—Sept. 22) Although it will sound like a good idea at the time, defending your low productivity at work will prove to be a catastrophic mistake. Evidently, your boss is not impressed by your efforts to win FreeCell game #11982.

Libra (Sept. 23—Oct. 23) Warning: Any attempts to reinstall Windows this week will result in an immense headache. Better to wait until all nine planets are in perfect alignment. Scorpio (Oct. 24—Nov. 21) You know too much of your money is going to Microsoft when you find yourself brushing your teeth with Internet Explorer Toothpaste. Sagittarius (Nov. 22—Dec. 21) All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. Oops, too late. Capricorn (Dec. 22—Jan. 19) Today is a good day to empty your Recycle Bin. Delete files with abandon. Aquarius (Jan. 20—Feb. 18) You throw around the term "Blue Screen of Death" entirely too loosely. Pisces (Feb. 19—March 20) You may feel disillusioned over the next few days as you continue to attempt to rationalize Napster, but keep trying. I'm sure you're think of something.